How I’ve coped with anxiety this week.
I’ve know I’ve been a little quiet the last few days. But that’s kinda insignificant really. Many who do follow my social media posts, probably didn’t even question, or even cared, that I hadn’t posted anything in 2 or 3 days. It was unintentional as much as it was intentional. I just didn’t feel like posting. But that’s because I wasn’t feeling all too good.
I’ve shared and talked about anxiety before, and my battles with it. Coupled with stress, I’ve spent the last several days needing my own space. Lethargic, sore all over, and cranky, I stayed isolated in my room at home, the feelings of anxiety the strongest it had been in a long long time.
Last week during the final Bus Stop Films class of the term, one of my students, who lives with down syndrome, and suffers from a lot of anxiety and nervous energy, had a minor moment and ran out of the room, just before we were going to enjoy our end of term party food. I followed her out to comfort and assist her. She was huddled up in a ball in the corridor outside the classroom. I knelt down near her and asked her if she was ok. She didn’t want to answer me initially. I asked her if she wanted to share how she was feeling. She said she was scared. I asked her what she was scared about. She said because of her anxiety she was scared she would pick the wrong party foods to eat.
I generally don’t try and share too much of my personal life with my students. It’s important to maintain a healthy barrier as a teacher. But I instantly related to her feeling anxious about making decisions.
A menu or a multiple choice that has no real meaning, whatever is chosen, is one of my biggest struggles. Back in the Blockbuster video days, picking 10 weeklies was sometimes a two hour affair – I don’t even know how my mum would cope with how long it took me to decide. Me scrolling through Netflix is no better these days to be honest. I know a big part of it is a fear of missing out on something. And I definitely do not deal with exclusion very well. My anxious energy also seems to develop when there is almost too much choice, or too much going on at the same time.
This is very much connected with my social problem when there are too many conversations happening, or a room is just too noisy – I do kinda start seizing up and find it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Many of times I have fought through. Sometimes I just leave the space. My anxiety has been a big part of who I am since I was a young child. I’ve learnt to cope with it, but there have been plenty of times it has let me down.
So when my student, said she was struggling with her anxiety, I turned to her without even thinking, and said “Did you know I suffer from anxiety too?” The change was instant for her. She smiled at me. She seemed privileged to be shared this information. She asked to be sure, did I really, and when I confirmed, I was surprised to see such a huge weight lift off her. She took my hand, and lead me back into class to pick her party food.
I’m now kinda out on the other side of the anxiety attacks of the last few days – maybe not attacks, more like a constant throbbing. I am drained, and tired, but I am feeling a little more in control again. I began to remember this story, and felt it resonant. In a way it reminded me I’m not alone in battles with anxiety. I remembered how she felt suddenly safe knowing somebody understood how she was feeling.
In a way, sharing in her struggle, helped me in my own mind space. I guess with mental health, we want to be understood. We want to not feel alone while we are tormented through a latest attack or nefarious feelings.
And having opportunity to talk about it and share those feelings, is very much part of the therapy.
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#mentalhealth #anxiety #teacher #filmmaker #disabilityteacher #filmteacher
