Today, Feb 14, I choose to love myself.
I admit it. Choosing to write a Valentine’s day blog post, that declares my self-acknowledging love for myself, is possibly a very subterfuge thing to do as a single person on a day celebrating love and relationships.
Where else do I direct these energies to? Who can I love when there is no one else?
The sentiment is slightly exasperated by the mildly disappointing fact, I did not receive any Valentine acknowledgment, signs of interest, or secret admiration today. I appreciate this sounds like I’m saying I was entitled to it, but I assure you, I would have been humbled had I received one, and I am more than grateful to making big steps in my self-improvement and self-acceptance instead.
This new found self-acceptance of myself, for who I choose to be while being who I am, is a result of a deeper understanding of my own needs. Needs that have changed over the years, and ones that I’m only finally starting to get a full grasp of them.
Often I’ve been faced with many people saying there’s “plenty of fish in the sea” or “this is a great time to work on myself.” But these comments fundamentally and simultaneously say to me, “this ain’t your fault” or “you have many faults.” I never really could weigh what it was.
I have not been on a proper date in a few years now; one that involved genuine romantic excitement and nervousness, that brings the kind of smile to your face that you just cannot hide and last for days afterwards. What are they thinking about? Are they thinking of me? Why are they smiling? Why am I smiling? Are we going to kiss later?
It’s not that I haven’t tried in recent years. I’ve been interested in people. I’ve tried to show interest to them. I just haven’t quite felt that reciprocal feeling. Not enough for me to feel safe and comfortable to act. I’ve found myself being scared off pretty quickly. A brief comment. A particular look. Perhaps Ghosting-like behaviour. Unrequited attention is awkward for both persons involved, but yet for some reason, I feel I take up the brunt of it, and I’m left in the dark if the other person even knew.
Further, I realised that, as I’ve grown older I’ve become less daring in my romanticism — perhaps a protection mechanism for how I’ve dealt with familiar feelings of heartbreak and rejection. I’ve also made some awful mistakes in recent years that I did not know I was making, potentially pushing away people, because I couldn’t build a strong enough understanding of my own needs or what I expected them to do with them.
Perhaps the great revelation on this topic for me, was when I realised that when I was younger, I often looked to others for the lead when it came to dating behaviour.
I’d watch how my friends would flirt, chat, talk and I’d follow along, be part of the game. I’d also often look to the other person to show interest in me too, the way they would flirt with me, talk and look at me. You could say I parroted that behaviour. It often helped decode that seemingly complicated aspect of dating and relationships for me. Now, I seem to second guess everything, unsure where I stand or what is supposed to come next. I’m lost completely in the unknown world of dating.
My friends, they are now mostly all in fairly stable relationships. Going out means something completely different these days too and the dynamics have totally shifted; being in my mid to late 30s isn’t anywhere near the same as early to mid 20s.
By not having that same support system I experienced once before, or the same opportunities, I’ve found it increasingly difficult for me to model myself correctly. Often, as a male in his late 30s, I’ve struggled to have understanding how I’m supposed to act in social situations. What do I say? Is it ok to flirt? How do I know my interest is welcomed and accepted?
I want to be able to just tell someone I’m interested in, “Hey, I’m interested in you. Can we date.”
But truth is, I’ve never really been able to do that my entire life as succinctly and directly as that. I am lost to know how other people have done it like that. And here we are finally in a point in my life where that could be all I need to do, and it still feels like the completely wrong thing to say.
These words that I needed to share today, they are BIG revelatory steps, that I have been working on as part of my on-going therapy, finally formed into clear concepts and self-instruction. I am aware that my needs have always been different. I have been lucky for the experiences I got to have in my teens and early 20s when it came to dating. Somehow it just worked out, until it didn’t. I’ve started identifying with my true form.
Who I choose to be, while being who I am.
And that is why I am choosing to love myself today.
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